Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Randomize
