weddingsv make me drug and hornr
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Oh god it's open bar.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
