Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
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