Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I can tuck mytits in my pants
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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