Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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