So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
