Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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