If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
