I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
