i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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