I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
