My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Acid is not a monday night drug
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
