I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Randomize
