somebody snuck up and got me drunk
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
