I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
