I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
