I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
