just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
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