the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize
