dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
