It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Randomize
