on a scale of one to ten, how awkward would it i told him i had to go change my tampon and then left?
11
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
