i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
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