my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
I thought you said his peep was too small
it is but i have no money and nothing is on tv until 7 when americas next top model comes on.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
