I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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