Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
