I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
