i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
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