Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I have surprise drugs for everyone
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
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