I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize
