I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Randomize
