Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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