There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
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