We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
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