I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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