you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
