I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Randomize
