The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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