dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Randomize
