We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize