as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
