Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Randomize
