Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Randomize
