I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
