I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
