we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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