i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
Randomize
