My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
My vagina just recognized that song.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Randomize
