Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Randomize
