Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Someone shattered a urinal.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
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