her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
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