finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
