I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Randomize