i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
