we're chasing vodka with high fives
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Randomize
