2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
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