She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Randomize
