On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
