it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
